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A wish thrown into the darkness…

I have so many wishes in my heart lately, but I have no-one to really share them with, not anymore. Those that I might be able to are too busy with their own things & it would be an undo burden on them or others would probably laugh at my small wishes that I think it would break my heart.

I wish I was a stronger person so this hollow tinny feeling I have would go away and not push me closer to the razor’s edge. I wish I wouldn’t cling so close to people when I get lonely. I’m an introvert and prefer quiet with a few people than the loud parties most other people like with the big crowds, so I wish for those quiet times again. I haven’t had any of those in many years now. I miss getting hugs from friends. I miss being able to go and talk to people when I am feeling down. I want to be a better person but I can’t see a way to be her anymore. It’s like I’m stuck in a really thick, dense darkening fog in a late evening. I can’t see any way out or any light to guide me through. No one is looking for me and no one ever will. I am alone and always will be.

Remebered Pain

I realized something recently, how much others people’s ideas had influenced me and my art when I was young. I recently sat down to get some sketching done for a illustration series I have been wanting to make for a while now. To get some inspiration I had looked up some of my favorite manga artists and started to remember how much my parents & family would tell me how wrong it was of me to draw “such things.” Now some of the things I mimicked when I was starting out was a bit erotic/sexualized but I never found it wrong or over the top. They did! So much so that I frequently had artwork & sketchbooks go missing to find out they had been hidden at first but later burned or trashed. It hurt me so much, still does sometimes when I remember it all. So I stopped drawing anything outside the lines for quite some time. When I went off to college I was able to tap back into that part of myself but only in a small way. Now I am grown I have refound that love and fearlessness of things, especially things others might consider taboo. As much as my family was trying to protect me in some ways, they hurt me more in others. I will never let others ideas and actions impose on me and my creations again.

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